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AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”.

STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

THE PHONE
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”
Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”
“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

TODAY’S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
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8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
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8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.
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8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
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8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
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8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.
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8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
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8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
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8:31 – The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.
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8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended
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8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
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8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
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8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.
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9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
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9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
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9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge, A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.  I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE THAT TOO.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence:  “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to justify or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach must produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you do know everything!