An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” he cried The dispatcher said, “Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in “Disregard.” he says.”He got in the back-seat by mistake.”
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.She puts her foot in and pauses.She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’The 94 year old yells back, ‘I don’t know.I’ll come up and see.’She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’
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‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer’
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair..Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex…’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’
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> Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me ….I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.Please tell me what your name is.. His friend stared at him for at least three minutes — he just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful! ”Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car.It’s hundreds of them!’
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard.As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.So, she turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?You could have killed us both!’ Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’
Category Archives: B.S. & Political Ridicule
It’s happening here now.
https://www.abqjournal.com/1049753/mayor-has-plan-to-take-on-race-issues-review-santa-fe-monuments-markers.html
https://youtu.be/Vb7XM6NZorU
I hate the hate that’s happening now. Just hate it. HATE HATE.
All the talk of hate is depressing me. My thoughts are this is all Trump’s fault. If he would just kiss the ass of the media, like all past presidents did, all the hate would go away. The media is who’s stirring up all this hate. They’re mad at the Donald because he’s circumventing them by tweeting all his shit and not feeding the shit to the media on the silver spoon they’re used to.
Look at obama, he kissed their ass and they loved him. hillary also kissed their ass and they loved her. I mean ALL the past presidents kissed the media’s collective asses and none of this shit has happened like it is with Trump.
If you think that you’re getting the story, the whole story, and only the story from the media, you’re a fucking idiot. They feed you what they want to get the reaction they desire and the media and only the media is control the protests. Media stirs the shit, anti-fas, and white rights morons fall in step to dance to the media’s music.
Who has the power in this country? The media. Fuck the media!
Just found these…
https://youtu.be/bFNOfG7Zbzc
Old Age at Its Best
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One-day Russ didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and– lo and behold! –there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?’ Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’
‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’
‘Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
This Woman Was Arrested For ‘Stealing’ A Case Of Water Bottles And THIS Was Her Husband’s Response.
Dear Whole Foods executives:
I consider myself to be a loyal Whole Foods customer. In fairness, it’s my wife who is the customer, since it is she who actually frequents your stores and spends the money. “Frequent” is an appropriate word to use, because she frequents your stores frequently. Indeed, between October 8 and November 27th of this year, she purchased goods from you on 27 separate occasions. The total spend during that period was $2,165.46 (an average $80.20 per visit). Just the other day, I pointed out to her that if she keeps this up, we will spend close to $30K a year at Whole Foods, if I’ve done my math right (which I have). I’m not sure where that ranks on your “customer value” metric (if you guys bother to track that sort of thing) but I’d venture to guess it’s pretty high. I mean, really. Thirty grand a year on friggin pears, quinoa and smoked turkey has got to be up there, no? Someone over there has to be making a bit of coin on our visits, although admittedly, I’m not up on the current margins for quinoa sales.
That’s why it was so shocking to me to learn that she was arrested by your staff during her last visit to Whole Foods.
Arrested, you might ask? Well, it seems that way. And the crime? She “stole” a case of water.
Admittedly, I feel somewhat responsible for this “theft” since I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on her to stockpile water bottles. I’ve been very thirsty lately. I’ve had many sleepless nights craving my water from Whole Foods. But, alas, the other night, when I groggily made my way to our kitchen pantry at 3AM, we were out of those sacred bottles. Imagine my outrage… this was the final straw! In a desperate attempt to quench my insatiable thirst, I told her: “Honey, you are going to have to do better with the shopping. We need more Whole Foods water bottles. I don’t care how you get them – just get them!”
The next day, a plot was hatched. My wife set out to “steal” water bottles from Whole Foods. Brilliantly disguised as an everyday shopper (pushing a cart around, sampling items, making purchases and all those things normal shoppers do), my wife surreptitiously took a water bottle case and stashed it underneath her cart, masking it with the only available “cover” she had – her gym bag. Her true genius on full display, she filled her shopping cart with another $180 worth of “decoy” shopping goods, (which of course she would pay for in full), all in a clever attempt to draw people’s attention away from the real prize. The crown jewel. A $5 case of Whole Foods water. Palms and brow billowing with sweat, she made her way to the cashier, as the final stage in her plan – the escape – was now well within grasp. Just beyond the register, she could see her freedom – and a life of endless amounts of Whole Foods water (or at least a few days worth).
But, my dear Whole Foods executives, it was not to be. On this fine day, one of your crafty security guards would foil the plan. Drawing from his many weeks of in-classroom training in the art of thwarting dastardly acts such as “stealing water bottles”, “eating food from the coveted salad bar while still shopping”, and “using expired coupons”, his spidey senses went off the minute she walked into the store. And why wouldn’t they go off? After all, it is rare that you would see a shopper who has been in your store 27 times in the past month and a half come back again to do more shopping the next day (hmmm, wait a minute…?). Ducking behind the deep freeze, dropping-and-rolling around the fresh produce, and using the mixed nuts section as camouflage, our Whole Foods SWAT team member stalked his prey, patiently waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
Once my evil-doer wife passed the register while paying for all of her groceries, except the Whole Foods Holy Water, your faithful security guard pounced. Accosting her in a crowded elevator in front of 15 other customers (accomplices perhaps?), he loudly (and proudly) proclaimed, “Miss, you are under arrest. You stole water from us and I am going to have to take you in.” I kid you not, the lad said “take you in”. Beaten at her own game, my wife had to think on her feet. Under pressure, and furious about the situation, all she could muster was: “Oh shit, I totally forgot about that. It was hidden under my gym bag. Here’s five bucks – I’m so embarrassed and I really do apologize.”
Now, whole foods executives, both of us know just how ridiculous that excuse sounds. We all know that’s COMPLETELY implausible. Especially to customers who shop every day and have a zillion other things going on. It should be patently obvious to anyone that reads this that my wife hatched a plot to steal $5 worth of water, and was caught red-handed.
My only relief is that your able-bodied staff properly resolved the situation. After keeping her under “lockdown” for a half hour, interrogating her about her motives and plans for future attacks on Whole Foods (thankfully, she unleashed her fury on Whole Foods as an “independent”, with no direct ties to Al-Qaeda, ISIS or any other terrorist organization), they let her go. And, in a strangely ironic twist, they gave her the water bottle case for free. I crack myself up every time I re-read that sentence.
But there’s one more catch. I consider it my own consolation prize.
The catch is that before she was allowed to leave, the kind staff at Whole Foods told her she’s never allowed to shop there again. Phew, what a relief! Now I can take my $30K per year food budget to one of your competitors, where, I’ve been most pleased to discover, a dollar is stretched to a far greater degree.
And, they have such great deals on cases of water. They are a practical steal!
Yours truly and truthfully,
*David