Dear Whole Foods executives:

I consider myself to be a loyal Whole Foods customer. In fairness, it’s my wife who is the customer, since it is she who actually frequents your stores and spends the money. “Frequent” is an appropriate word to use, because she frequents your stores frequently. Indeed, between October 8 and November 27th of this year, she purchased goods from you on 27 separate occasions. The total spend during that period was $2,165.46 (an average $80.20 per visit). Just the other day, I pointed out to her that if she keeps this up, we will spend close to $30K a year at Whole Foods, if I’ve done my math right (which I have). I’m not sure where that ranks on your “customer value” metric (if you guys bother to track that sort of thing) but I’d venture to guess it’s pretty high. I mean, really. Thirty grand a year on friggin pears, quinoa and smoked turkey has got to be up there, no? Someone over there has to be making a bit of coin on our visits, although admittedly, I’m not up on the current margins for quinoa sales.

That’s why it was so shocking to me to learn that she was arrested by your staff during her last visit to Whole Foods.

Arrested, you might ask? Well, it seems that way. And the crime? She “stole” a case of water.

Admittedly, I feel somewhat responsible for this “theft” since I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on her to stockpile water bottles. I’ve been very thirsty lately. I’ve had many sleepless nights craving my water from Whole Foods. But, alas, the other night, when I groggily made my way to our kitchen pantry at 3AM, we were out of those sacred bottles. Imagine my outrage… this was the final straw! In a desperate attempt to quench my insatiable thirst, I told her: “Honey, you are going to have to do better with the shopping. We need more Whole Foods water bottles. I don’t care how you get them – just get them!”

The next day, a plot was hatched. My wife set out to “steal” water bottles from Whole Foods. Brilliantly disguised as an everyday shopper (pushing a cart around, sampling items, making purchases and all those things normal shoppers do), my wife surreptitiously took a water bottle case and stashed it underneath her cart, masking it with the only available “cover” she had – her gym bag. Her true genius on full display, she filled her shopping cart with another $180 worth of “decoy” shopping goods, (which of course she would pay for in full), all in a clever attempt to draw people’s attention away from the real prize. The crown jewel. A $5 case of Whole Foods water. Palms and brow billowing with sweat, she made her way to the cashier, as the final stage in her plan – the escape – was now well within grasp. Just beyond the register, she could see her freedom – and a life of endless amounts of Whole Foods water (or at least a few days worth).

But, my dear Whole Foods executives, it was not to be. On this fine day, one of your crafty security guards would foil the plan. Drawing from his many weeks of in-classroom training in the art of thwarting dastardly acts such as “stealing water bottles”, “eating food from the coveted salad bar while still shopping”, and “using expired coupons”, his spidey senses went off the minute she walked into the store. And why wouldn’t they go off? After all, it is rare that you would see a shopper who has been in your store 27 times in the past month and a half come back again to do more shopping the next day (hmmm, wait a minute…?). Ducking behind the deep freeze, dropping-and-rolling around the fresh produce, and using the mixed nuts section as camouflage, our Whole Foods SWAT team member stalked his prey, patiently waiting for the opportune moment to strike.

Once my evil-doer wife passed the register while paying for all of her groceries, except the Whole Foods Holy Water, your faithful security guard pounced. Accosting her in a crowded elevator in front of 15 other customers (accomplices perhaps?), he loudly (and proudly) proclaimed, “Miss, you are under arrest. You stole water from us and I am going to have to take you in.” I kid you not, the lad said “take you in”. Beaten at her own game, my wife had to think on her feet. Under pressure, and furious about the situation, all she could muster was: “Oh shit, I totally forgot about that. It was hidden under my gym bag. Here’s five bucks – I’m so embarrassed and I really do apologize.”

Now, whole foods executives, both of us know just how ridiculous that excuse sounds. We all know that’s COMPLETELY implausible. Especially to customers who shop every day and have a zillion other things going on. It should be patently obvious to anyone that reads this that my wife hatched a plot to steal $5 worth of water, and was caught red-handed.

My only relief is that your able-bodied staff properly resolved the situation. After keeping her under “lockdown” for a half hour, interrogating her about her motives and plans for future attacks on Whole Foods (thankfully, she unleashed her fury on Whole Foods as an “independent”, with no direct ties to Al-Qaeda, ISIS or any other terrorist organization), they let her go. And, in a strangely ironic twist, they gave her the water bottle case for free. I crack myself up every time I re-read that sentence.

But there’s one more catch. I consider it my own consolation prize.

The catch is that before she was allowed to leave, the kind staff at Whole Foods told her she’s never allowed to shop there again. Phew, what a relief! Now I can take my $30K per year food budget to one of your competitors, where, I’ve been most pleased to discover, a dollar is stretched to a far greater degree.

And, they have such great deals on cases of water. They are a practical steal!

Yours truly and truthfully,

*David

B.S. & Political Ridicule

A FB post from a friend that explains why the left is losing ground.

August 13, 2017 6:15 am Glen

A Facebook friend posted the following to a comment that slammed him when he commented, “Darwin is Smiling” after a picture of a family taking pictures of a mine that washed up on the beach.

Please allow me to retort! The electoral results last November have been repeated enough that most people in politics know them by heart. Republicans now control 68 state legislative chambers, while Democrats only control 31. Republicans flipped three more governors’ seats last year and now control an incredible 33 of those offices. Since 2008, when Barack Obama first took office, Republicans have gained somewhere around 900 to 1,000 seats overall.The unspoken subtext of a lot of the Democrats’ excuse-making is their growing belief that the situation is hopeless – and not just because of fixable institutional factors like gerrymandering, but because we simply have a bad/irredeemable electorate that can never be reached. The “deplorables” comment didn’t just further alienate already lost Republican votes. It spoke to an internal sickness within the Democratic Party, which had surrendered to a negativistic vision of a hopelessly divided country. Barack Obama, for all his faults, never gave in to that mindset. He continually insisted that the Democrats needed to find a way to reach lost voters. Even in the infamous “guns and religion” episode, this was so. Obama then was talking about the challenge the Democrats faced in finding ways to reconnect with people who felt ignored and had fled to “antipathy toward people who aren’t like them” as a consequence. How’s that for being political? You’re right in a way, Darwin is laughing at the Democrats, Democratic Socialists and the like.

The author is former military, a highly trained IT professional, and a rancher. If he gives me permission to name him, I will do so with an edit.

B.S. & Political Ridicule

August 13, 2017 12:05 am Glen

B.S. & Political Ridicule

How your life will change in the next 20 years.

August 12, 2017 7:02 am Glen

Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
Uber is just a software tool, they don’t own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don’t own any properties.
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
In the US, young lawyers already don’t get jobs. Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.
So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 times more accurate than human nurses. Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don’t want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving. Our kids will never get a driver’s licence and will never own a car.
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that. We can transform former parking spaces into parks. 1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles (100,000 km), with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 6 million miles (10 million km). That will save a million lives each year.
Most car companies will probably become bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla.
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity. Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact.
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. Energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that can’t last. Technology will take care of that strategy.
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination of salt water now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter (@ 0.25 cents). We don’t have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the “Tricorder” from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.
It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medical analysis, nearly for free. Goodbye, medical establishment.
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies have already started 3D printing shoes.
Some spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
At the end of this year, new smart phones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
In China, they already 3D printed and built a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that’s being produced will be 3D printed.
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: “in the future, do you think we will have that?” and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
If it doesn’t work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.
Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day on their fields.
Aeroponics will need much less water. The first Petri dish produced veal, is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don’t need that space anymore. There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as “alternative protein source” (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
There is an app called “moodies” which can already tell in which mood you’re in. By 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions, if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it’s being displayed when they’re telling the truth and when they’re not.
Bitcoin may even become the default reserve currency … Of the world!
Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year. Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it’s 80 years. The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more than one year increase per year. So we all might live for a long long time, probably way more than 100.
Education: The cheapest smart phones are already at $10 in Africa and Asia. By 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smart phone. That means, everyone has the same access to world class education.
Every child can use Khan academy for everything a child needs to learn at school in First World countries. There have already been releases of software in Indonesia and soon there will be releases in Arabic, Suaheli and Chinese this summer. I can see enormous potential if we give the English app for free, so that children in Africa and everywhere else can become fluent in English and that could happen within half a year.