Monthly Archives: February 2014

B.S. & Political Ridicule

DEATH OF THE OLD COW

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road, and a limo driving late at night, hits it head-on and the car comes to a stop.

The woman in the back seat – in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving.”

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it appeared to be very old.

Well, says the woman, “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there.”

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face. “My God, what happened to you?” asks the woman.

The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say?” asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

Don’t You just love a story with a happy ending!

B.S. & Political Ridicule

Tings.

  • Tings means things in  my father’s accented English.
  • Erin leaves today.
  • Our fight of yesterday had 2 winners. We kissed and made up.
  • She’s a stubborn little git. I have no idea where that came from.
  • Reality TV continues to baffle me.
  • Whacked my head and gave myself a deep gash about ¾ of an inch long.
  • I blame Tori since it happened at her house and she kept apologizing about my own stupid act.
  • The cut is at my hairline and I keep telling people I did it while shaving. The confused looks are great!
  • Fire bans already?
  • The sun is just rising and it appears as if we’re cloud covered and the weatherliars are calling for rain and snow for the next few days.
  • Just heard that the maple syrup industry is gonna be hurting this year due to the polar vortex. DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING! I BLAME YOU!
  • Not sure of my weekend plans just yet.
  • While we have had a mild winter here, I’m tired of hearing about how bad the weather is in the rest of the country. Bunch of wienies!
  • NO
  • Joe brought the love of his life to the airport yesterday. I may go up to Arrow’s Ridge to console him. I’m sure he’s up there crying his eyes out. Poor guy.
  • On the 15th, Arrow’s Ridge has a tapas and music event happening. Reserve now or forever hold your peace!
  • Damn it, I said NO!
We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.  ~Abraham Lincoln

B.S. & Political Ridicule

Condo go bye-bye

  • The condo is gone.
  • Done deal.
  • She does not know that it was sold.
  • It’s better this way.

Erin

  • She and I are fighting today.
  • I’m winning as of now.
  • She’s continuing to swing though.
  • She wants her way and I don’t.
  • Not a fun morning.

Checks

  • People keep wanting us to cash 2-party checks.
  • A sign in the store saying that we don’t do this anymore doesn’t count for much.
  • They keep bringing them in.
  • NO ONE WANTS TO OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT OUT HERE!
  • We are not living in the old west anymore.
  • The government and health insurance companies and other controlling entities are going to force the issue eventually.
  • I truly believe that we are headed to a cashless society at one point.
  • This would be a method to help reduce the national debt.
  • Taxes would be electronically transferred.
  • Bill paying would be be electronically transferred.
  • It would take all the profits from the underworld.
  • All monies squirreled away from prying eyes, like drug money or other ill gotten gains would be worthless.
  • Making that money worthless would remove the power from criminal organizations for a period of time, until the find a way to circumvent the power brokers.
  • It sounds like the perfect socialist society.
  • Makes me wonder why  the big O hasn’t moved that way faster.
By the way, don’t worry about Obamacare. The libs will do it in once they realize that it involves a photo ID. ~ Dennis Miller
B.S. & Political Ridicule

Jokes from Mom

 The Jewish E L B O W 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?
____________

Irish blonde…

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!
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Global Facts About Sex 

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!