Day one sucked. Boring and slow business. Holidays are a definite crap shoot in our lives. All the predicted snow never showed. The weatherliars have done it again. I’m sure they have a plausible excuse for their stupidity, but I’m sure that it’s all guess work and they are collecting a paycheck for sticking their privates out a window and seeing if they come back wet.

Tomorrow I’m betting that Jeannie pawned off the ML duty to the Oompa Loompa again, so I plan on going to Santa Fe and cruise the strip looking for hookers. (Just kidding, Santa Fe doesn’t have a strip and I have no clue where the hookers hang out) The other night Nina mentioned that Las Vegas has a hooker. If I recall it was during an episode of COPS where they were doing a hooker sweep. I asked her if she was cute and she looked at me like I was deranged. I guess I deserved that look as any LV hooker would be pretty much a worn out junkie.

OK, back to Saturday’s activities. I’ll probably go to Lithia and then Harley to annoy the sales staffs and entertain myself. May also head to Home Depot to check out the new year sales. I’ll probably eat at Panera’s. Or I may go to the ghost town with a friend. That would give me some exercise too.

I’ve just sat through 3 lawyer commercials on TV. I prefer the days when these ambulance chasers were banned from advertising. I think if that happens again I may jot down their numbers and call them all and ask for one of the other 2 lawyers. all three were annoying pukes.

We were born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on our ass – then things just kept getting worse.

• We’ve been tired of our outside guy for some time now and I decided to cut him loose. I waited until after Christmas to do this.
• Not sure if that’s the nicer thing to do, but that was the way I did it. I did give him 2 weeks severance.
• He does have another job and his time with us was a second job for him.
• Fresh start with Andy at the helm of the outside work. He’ll do that along with his inside shifts.

•  Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires – Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

We are speechless,
Congress is clueless,
Our president is worthless,
I’m scared shitless.

1. Become more patient.
2. Stop shooting at cars bearing an Obama sticker.
3. Lose weight.
4. Buy more ammo. I’m pretty sure # 2 is impossible.
5. Ride more, ride farther, and ride nude.
6. Buy more sunscreen.
7. Eat healthier.
8. Drink more booze! Four drinks a week is not excessive.
9. Watch less TV.
10. Read more.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?”I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?” “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the foreskins left over from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

It’s been a little more than a year since Shirley died and someone is on his way to take the hospital bed out of our house. Nina and I are going to slowly offload things that we no longer use. I put it on Craigslist for $175, lowered it to $100, and lowered it to free. It went fast at free.

Craigslist is a strange place. I’ve been exploring it since I posted that ad and I have to say that it has its dark corners. Very dark. The range of things offered there is amazing. Very strange place. Dark.

I’m sure that there’s more stuff for Craigslist in our container that we could part with.

Yes, Erin returns today. As soon as she returns, we start breaking her of all the bad habits they allow and return her to the loving child that we adore. We also change her out of the horrid clothes that they put her in for the trip home. I sometimes wonder if they keep a normal set of clothes and a travel to San Jose set of clothes for her and just change her into the crap, just for us.

Nina and I will leave here early today so I can avoid the Oompa Loompa. I was home all of yesterday and she kept talking to me! Not only that, but she was telling tales of her other patients and the abuse they are subjected to and I’m sure that someday soon, Nina will be subjected to a tirade of how badly we are abusing HER! I pulled the Oompa Loompa to the kitchen and told her to stop talking about her other clients and stick to simple shit like the weather or the dogs. Dumb ass.

Erin is spending the night with us on New Year’s Eve. Tori “claims” she asked me and she “claims” I agreed to this. I don’t remember this ever happening. While I know it sounds like something I would agree to, I’d feel more comfortable with this Wednesday thing if I could remember agreeing to this. There’s always the possibility that Tori’s playing mind games with me, fully knowing that my memory is shit. Nina was not present at the time this “supposedly” happened, so I have no fall back to fight Tori with.

Wow, another Asian airliner disappears. I’m thinking of canceling my planned trip to North Korea until these accidents quit happening. That little dictator can just go without my sparkling wit for another year.

Erin gave me a Sponge Bob figure to put in the aquarium some time back. At first he kept getting knocked down, but now it appears that he’s moving around the tank. I just noticed that he’s in a different position now than he was yesterday. Either the figure is haunted or the fish are screwing with me.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.