• I leave today to visit mom, the source of many of the jokes that you see in this blog. Funny is funny no matter where it’s from.
• This trip is different, I’m flying. Why you may ask? It’s my ass. Driving for long distances is starting to hurt my ass. 18 hours of driving vs. 3 hours of sitting on a plane? Guess what won this time!
• Air miles made it an easy decision. Everyone else has been using my miles, so I figured it’s my turn. Tori, Erin, and Nina flew on my miles to Disney last week, I’ll finish them off on this trip.
• My Citibank card gives me miles for using it and we use it at Sam’s Club to build miles fast. $1000 to $2000 per week has that shit piling up quickly.
• Twice this weekend I had conversations about how poorly the president is being treated. I kill the chats with a reminder of the left’s treatment of Bush v.2 and the names he was called by them. But with Obama it’s racism, but with Bush it was just hatred. Assholes.
• It looks like we’re gonna lose another good employee. The welfare people told her she needed to quit us and find a real job. I may find that person and place her on the injured reserve list at the welfare office.
• I got the iPhone 6 plus. It’s big, but I can read my books on it almost as easily as on my iPad. Lots of cool new features and I’m looking forward to activating the Apple Pay feature on it.
• We’re going to start taking Apple Pay here in the store soon too. It’s a win/win upgrade to our services. It’s the future.
• Andy and Debra are doing well.
• Tori and Michael seem to be doing well too.
• Everyone enjoying the cold? All our customers are bitching about how cold it is here. Sissies!

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works.

 

You should know that by today’s standards none of us were supposed to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 vs 2014

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack..

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2014 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2014 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark.They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2014 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman..
2014 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by
Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache.
2014 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2014 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2014 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2014 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!

Mrs. Wolowitz has died. The actress who play the voice of Howard’s mother died. Click the link to read more about it.