https://youtu.be/Y8Q0MMHwx4k

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill   and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!!

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,  “How can I best serve my country?

Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”

“Ouch!” says Hillary, “I don’t know about that.”

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…?
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”

Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”

“Ohhh! I really really don’t want to do that.”

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln  appears…?
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”

Lincoln says,  “Go to the theater.”

• Erin leaves today.
• Republicans debate today.
• Tori’s Jeep is fixed today.
• I’m taking Tori into SF today to pick it up.
• Yesterday’s meeting went well. Money awarded.
• Of course that means I have to make 2 appearances before the county commission. The first on the 11th to urge the commission to approve the new member and the second a month later to tell of our decision. Approval is usually unanimous but since last year’s debacle I’ll be more prepared.
• Don’t remember last year’s debacle? The hated and reviled head of the EDC (economic development committee) arranged for over a dozen people to attack me prior to my turn at the podium. I was described as horrible and racist by a few of the speakers. I did turn it all around on her and used the Lodger’s Tax law the state has in place to inform her supporters that she has tricked them into talking poorly about me because the law doesn’t allow lodger’s tax to support the projects they spoke in favor of and she was well aware of that fact. I also implied that if she was indeed using Lodger’s tax money for these purposes, the EDC needed to be audited. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her head whip around when I said that.
• Months later, the EDC has been audited and she is now gone into hiding (at her parent’s house in SF) because the possibility of charges being placed against her are very real. I’m not sure that my words caused that, but it did bring it to the public’s attention.
• But I digress.
• I hope to take Tori into SF on my bike and then hit a few state parks to help me gain some ground in the SFH-D State Park Challenge. I’ve been stagnant on that front lately. I’ve got 9 parks under my belt and that leaves me with more than 20 to go. There be prizes involved!

dats it for today. peace out My Friends.
(a special hat tip to 1 former WM co-worker)

https://youtu.be/OFX-lx8l47g

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t  what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!

The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

And a few jokes from Mom!

You   just gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

A   woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when   she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her   home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38 !’ (Repent and be Baptized,   in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The   burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and   explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he   asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was   yell a scripture to you.’ ‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had   an Ax and Two 38s!’

~~~

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,  said, ”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little more beat to the  music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

”Thank you,  Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, ”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

”But, Father,” protested the young  priest, ”my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

And Finally . . . .